Asian Lite News Archive

Category: The Funny Side

  • Moo-ving series of cow-on-the-run tales

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     Everyone is health-aware these days. Last weekend, a colleague lifted his T-shirt to show off his six-pack abs, or abdomen muscles. I told him that I only had one ab but it was a biggie…writes Nury Vittachi in his The Funny Side column for Asian Lite, UK’s  best newspaper for British Asians A rural friend was worried…

  • Motivational speakers have wrong message for business listeners

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    By Nury Vittachi  I once sat in a seminar where the motivational speaker kept saying: “Accept yourself as you are.” Fine with me, but the colleagues at my side all had serial killer personalities. I tried to warn the speaker but she didn’t pick up my discreet pointing and head-shaking gestures. People in certain professions,…

  • Worrying tales of the world’s worst cops

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    By Nury Vittachi I so hate that Eminem song that uses a police siren as an instrument. Every time it’s on the car radio I have a heart attack. Why are the police following me and why can’t I see them? Hot Tip: Make sure you look wildly off your head in your driving licence…

  • The Funny Side by Nury Vittachi

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    Be warned: We have entered the age of over-reacting A colleague accused me of having a tendency to over-react, so I have no choice but to burn down his house and curse his family for seven generations. Fair’s fair, right? I learned to respond strongly to things from a former boss who used to say…

  • Only men can be lethally stupid!

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    The Funny Side by Nury Vittachi  If you play the movie “A Hard Day’s Night” backwards, it’s about four boys who wander through London making unearthly noises that cause huge crowds of girls to back away, screaming. It’s actually quite good that way. And the truth is, women should back away screaming when approached by men,…

  • Singapore cant digest such video shoots

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      The law in Singapore found it hard to swallow what the man did, and to his peril he cannot digest his crime either and must cool his heels in jail. The man, a 25-year-old Malaysian electrician, used his mobile phone to take up-skirt video of a woman and swallowed the memory card. Koo Kiat…

  • When winners are sometimes the losers

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    By Nury Vittachi  I had a teacher who used to wake us up by shouting: “The early bird gets the worm.” Let him have the worm. I hate food that doesn’t stay still on your plate. Besides, I stopped eating worms at the age of three, switching to regular breakfasts of frosted cereal, to which…

  • How to chequemate your creditor?

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     Nury Vittachi shares his expertise to chequemate your creditors Cheques are dying out, a report says. This is a tragic loss of an ancient Asian invention – so I learned from the new Museum of Accountancy in India. That country invented that form of promissory note way back in the Mauryan period (321 to 185 BC), when…

  • A GOOD NEWS! Exercise is bad for your health…

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    Nury Vittachi in his column Funny Side analyses the other side of exercise  Your narrator met an old friend while practising for a triathlon the other day. That is, he was practising for a triathlon: I’d just taken a taxi to the shop for a second box of donuts. NOT that that means this writer…

  • Bad Karma and Good Karma

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    Kill a pest and karma’s going to get you…writes Nury Vittachi  in his weekly column The Funny Side A tiny lizard has been clinging to the wall behind me for two hours. I want to change the TV channel but I feel I ought to at least ask him, right? Yeah, I know it’s irrational but…

  • Self-control to stay alive

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    Nury Vittachi advising you to practice self-control to stay alive  This writer saved at least five people from being physically attacked yesterday. How? By exercising self-control. “Idiots have a right to live,” is the wonderfully calming secret mantra recommended for anyone who feels stressed by life in the modern world. Your columnist first realized how difficult self-control…

  • The Anti-Social Society

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      The Funny Side by Nury Vittachi ponders “Why men only like foods which can kill them” I’m starting a group called The Anti-Social Society, with meetings at a restaurant every Friday. If you turn up, you’re disqualified. These days it’s too much trouble to go out, anyway. A reader sent me a report about a man…

  • Working yourself to death!

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    The Funny Side by Nury Vittachi   If they invited me on one of those radio shows where you choose your top 10 music tracks, I would choose the national anthem 10 times, so that everyone in the country would have to stand up for an hour. The fact that I would find this incredibly enjoyable is…

  • The Funny Side by Nury Vittachi

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    Nury Vittachi on the science of superheroes  Last week, my wife told me I “still had a lot of growing up to do”. I was so angry I refused to let her share this giant cardboard box I’d found. It had once contained some sort of giant TV, so was big enough for me, a pillow, the…

  • THE FUNNY SIDE – Gender Issues

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    Nury Vittachi focus on gender issues which can be confusing  I was so outraged when an American friend said that Asian males were kind of “girly” that I almost hit him with my shoulder bag. But instead I just gave him a cold stare and turned back to my Hello Kitty collection. Westerners have bizarre…

  • How to write a balanced news report?

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    The Funny Side  By Nury Vittachi   So I get a news report from a young reporter. “A car was in collision with a bath” the other day, it told me. Huh? So why was someone driving a bath down a road? In a follow-up email, she explained that the guy in the bath claimed that…

  • The Funny Side by Nury Vittachi

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    Hiring people to endanger my children’s lives easy, but rather expensive  What would you do if a man threatened to put your children on the roof of a jeep and then perform dangerous vehicular acrobatics like trying to flip the car over? I’ll tell you what I did. I said yes, paid him a large…

  • THE FUNNY SIDE- Dogs Are Smart !

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     Nury Vittachi in his column The Funny Side for Asian Lite, top newspaper for the Asian diaspora, says the difference between humans and animals: Dogs are smart I’ve always told my children that they can turn traffic lights green using only their minds. My wife scolds me, but it totally works. You just have to choose the…

  • Nury’s The Funny Side

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    Nury Vittachi in his column The Funny Side narrates the common errors in English usage The managers of my office put up a sign saying: “Keep the door close.” Do they mean “closed”, or do they want me to take the door off its hinges and keep it close to me everywhere I go? Given…

  • My life is a bad comedy!

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     Nury Vittachi in his column The Funny Side says the Life’s a movie, and mine’s a bad comedy  Madness. In the next few months, government regulators in many cities are planning to legalize self-driving cars. Have these people never seen any of the “Transformers” movies? The Decepticons must be ecstatic. I was worrying out loud about this when a…

  • A Messy Desk

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    Nury Vittachi writes for Asian Lite, top Asian newspaper in the UK. What your desk says about your mind may be extremely worrying. My colleagues say I have a disgustingly messy desk. I prefer to call it “the ideas vortex”. But tidiness was on my mind this week after hearing about firefighters who recently raced to a scene…