Asian Lite News Archive

Category: Daily Dose

  • NO MORAL SUPPORT PLEASE

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA It’s free. And it’s worse than advice as an imposition. It’s called moral support. Advice is far easier to handle. You can take it or reject it or even select the fragments that suit you and get rid of the rest. You have control. Not so with moral support. It has an…

  • CHARLIE HEBDO ATTACK: JE SUIS AHMED

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA My name is Ahmed Merabet. Not Francois or Pierre or Gaston. Just Ahmed. I was a French policeman in Paris on duty when the gunmen struck the Charlie Hebdo magazine’s offices. They killed me in a spray of  bullets and in cold blood. I did my duty as an officer of the…

  • FIRST THE PROOF THEN THAROOR

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA Trial by TV continues in India with vigour and a complete absence of legal protocol. I was watching one talk show last evening and the way it went they might as well have tied Shashi Tharoor to a post, given him a last cigarette and shot him. Someone was teed off that…

  • PRAVASI BHARATIYA DIVAS: THE BIG, FAT INDIAN GET TOGETHER

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA There are five good reasons why I am not going to the Pravasi Bharatiya Divas celebrations in Gandhinagar starting in 24 hours. These reasons have held their own since 2003 when this whole love affair with NRIs began. For those anglicised folks of our 30 million diaspora who do not know what…

  • AT ONE MINUTE TO MIDNIGHT 

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra You don’t have to listen to me, kid, said 2014, the young never do, but it’s tough holding out all year, even beauty queens have easier reigns. 2015 stuck his pin in his diaper and said, hey old man, but you better get going, you have a plane to catch,…

  • GET OUT OF MY WAY

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA Two things that ticked me off yesterday. One, three occasions when three idiots parked their vehicles on the white line ensuring that they had invaded the second square so that when you came back to your car there was 5.6 inches between your door and the side of that badly parked car…

  • CREDIT CARDS AND HIGH NOON

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA Do you love your credit card? I hate them. But what really goes up my nose is the huge gap between the bank per se giving you service and the demand it makes on you to give these institutions what you owe them. Like at 0820 you get call telling you that…

  • THE ‘RANGED MARRIAGE

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA One of the risks of coming home to India is being co-opted into a game called arrange the arranged marriage. It is not a trivial pursuit and, unlike the love marriage, is played in deadly earnest. In love marriages, people either run away together, exchange promises they will not keep or, unrequited,…

  • SO WHO’S A COMPUTER GENIUS

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA I am no genius when it comes to computers and the Net per se. Currently my little machine which is actually a glorified typewriter plus FB for my column and not much else has been invaded by little gremlins which I believe are called viruses. I don’t know where they came from…

  • FEAR OF FORMS

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA If I was given a shot of truth serum and asked what I really loathe, like heartily dislike I would say, forms. I hate forms. Filling them in drives me in paroxysms of rage and I have seen grown men break down. I remember the old days they would ask on the…

  • SISTER LOVE: GUTS NOT GLORY

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA A good friend of ours is under the knife this morning. She is donating her kidney to her sister. Easy to say. Giving kidney to her sister, now what’s for dinner, shall we see a movie tonight, sweet of her, yes. God forbid, we have to make that choice. It is terrifying…

  • IPHONE NEW PATENT: WHY I’M NOT TOO EXCITED ABOUT IT

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA Now that Apple has put in for a patent which will prevent your mobile phone from breaking into little pieces when you inadvertently drop it, we can be relieved that we won’t do that absurd juggling act as the precious instrument finds its clumsy trajectory to the hard ground. It is always…

  • PHIL HUGHES: WHY THE OUTRAGE, WHY NOT GO WITH THE FLOW

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA I woke up early this morning to witness the Phillip Hughes funeral in a small town called Macksville in Australia. I don’t think anyone there or witnessing the tearful scenes on TV could have been unmoved. Even the Sydney Cricket Ground was full of hundreds watching on screen. Then I get this…

  • I AM IN PAIN BUT NO ONE CARES

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA It is true. There are some ailments that get you no sympathy. Take migraine. It is one of those awful afflictions that leave you hating the world but all everyone can say is, cheer up. Cheer up, cheer up, you want to curl up and close out even a sliver of light…

  • WHAT A SPOOKY WEEK

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA Three nights ago a college friend was murdered. Last night in Goa a kid I used to know thirty years ago crashed his bike and is in ICU. We watched him grow up, a guy with huge talent. This is a spooky week. Hope he gets out of it fast. And then…

  • STAFF MEETINGS: ROUND TABLE KILLERS

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA Have you ever met one of those people who sits at the staff meetings and starts off by saying, can I be frank? No, please tell us some fibs. Actually, on second thoughts, leave the candour, just dump some deceit on us. Be frank? Are you crazy, this is a staff meeting,…

  • BEING WANTED BY ALL THESE LOVELY GIRLS

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA Since we all live in the ether and invade each other’s privacy with less tact than Attila the Hun I am hereby informing all those stranger girls who write to me on the Net to desist. It is a futile exercise. I am not available even to Ivana who has a daisy…

  • VEGETARIAN: THE SAGA OF THE POTATO CUTLET

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA The trouble with all these very swank restaurants is that if you are a vegetarian they simply collapse and cannot do anything more imaginative than slam a plate with three potato cutlets on it in front of you. One would imagine all those chefs (sous and semi-sous) winning gold medals by the…

  • SYRIAN HERO BOY: DOES A LIE TARNISHES THE TRUTH

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA Is a lie a lie even if it is to underscore a cause that could save lives and stop bloodshed of innocent children? Are there situations when telling such a lie becomes acceptable? Do you end up saying I am not upset you lied to me, I am upset I cannot believe…

  • OH, JUST GIVE ME THE NUMBER!

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra Do you agree that everyone has a mobile phone? Some have three, like little trophies aligned to make them feel important. And you also accept that scarcely anyone uses the landline anymore. It is there but you really do not use it like you used to at one time. So,…

  • OH, JUST GIVE ME THE NUMBER

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    Do you agree that everyone has a mobile phone? Some have three, like little trophies aligned to make them feel important. And you also accept that scarcely anyone uses the landline anymore. It is there but you really do not use it like you used to at one time. So, then, tell me this. Why…

  • DEAR NAMO, PLEASE PUT MY FRIEND ON THE LIST

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    My very rich friend in Delhi (I have some, okay) is teed off. He has found out his name is not in the Super 628. It is not fair, he moans over the phone, I just spoke to my banker in Zurich and he says we just missed the cut by a few numbers, do…

  • IT’S NOT PERSONAL IT’S STRICTLY BUSINESS

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA Should a business deal be dependent on whether you like the other person or not? I spoke to several successful businessmen and they all said that the personal element is irrelevant, that if you are going to make profit what is liking or disliking got to do with it. So far as…

  • GETTING ROBBED IN-FLIGHT

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA I would like to draw your attention to an attempted robbery on a flight into Hong Kong. With an hour to go, during the flight, I thought I noticed my bag being replaced in the overhead locker. I wasn’t sure and decided it was probably a fellow passenger, moving it to access…

  • SAY GOODBYE TO GOVERNORS

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA If you took the hundred smartest children in India and asked them why we need governors in each state they would have no answer. I do. To maintain the lawns and the buildings of all these mind boggling Raj Bhavan estates at a prodigious cost to the exchequer. For this investment they…

  • WHEN GRANDPARENTS GET GLEEFUL

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA Our children have children. That means we are grandparents three times over. And grandparents have only one role. To get even with their children for past slights, indiscretions and sleepless nights. We camouflage it all in foamy love but it is delightfully wicked. The way to go about this is to wreck…

  • THE FEAR OF BEING FUNNY

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA The biggest fear of any humorist is that when he makes his bid for laughter there won’t be any. This makes him hum with tension and he lives his life waiting for the shoe to drop. Even when he hears laughter he isn’t sure whether people are laughing with him or at…

  • SWISS ACCOUNTS AND SINGING CANARIES

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA Can India’s Prime Minister make good his promise to get the black money stashed in foreign banks back to the country? It is a huge claim and although almost 700 names running such accounts now lie with the Supreme Court in an envelope there will be a major chasm between the revelations…

  • HEY, IS THIS YOUR PASSPORT?

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA The human race (that means you) does incredibly stupid things. A friend of mine is stuck in India because his passport has expired. You nitwit, didn’t you see the date? How do you travel without checking your passport? Very easily. Like him, there are thousands every day caught in their own ignorance.…

  • RACISM IN INDIA: INDIA’S MALICIOUS MELANIN FACTOR

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA MARIA is a pretty girl, What you call a bit of awright, In the shadows, you ken see She’d almost pass for wite (sic) It was in Cape Town I read this observation, scrawled on a wall near the Sunday jetty entrance. My friend and poet, Ernst, known in those days as…

  • THE TRUTH ABOUT CHINESE FOOD

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    BY BIKRAM VOHRA You go out for a Chinese dinner these scenarios invariably occur. The menus are usually the size of refugee tents. Everyone studies them like they were swotting for the SATS and then orders sweet corn chicken soup, fried rice, chop suey and sweet and sour chicken or prawns in black bean sauce. Period.…

  • Why Modi-bashers are so frightfully busy?

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra After deep and introspective study, I have finally figured out why Modi-bashers are so frightfully busy. He is not playing the game according to the rules.  There you are, that is an incandescent distillation of my research. Who does he think he is, the BCCI? Not being a team player…

  • KEEP YOUR FLIPPING CLOUDS

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    By Bikram Vohra They have this plan to make a plane without windows, it will just be one wallpaper reflecting the great outside view. So, it will look like you are travelling in a glass tube or a hothouse… in fact, just a long unbroken window.  What a ghastly idea, from my viewpoint. I don’t…

  • THE WAITING GAME

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    Daily Dose By Bikram Vohra It is a sobering thought but people spend as much as thirty percent of their waking hours waiting. That’s all. Just waiting. In queues. With patience and with resignation. Isn’t that incredible? That is nearly as much as we sleep. So, it is a kind of stand-up sleep. I did…

  • IT’S THE FACE THAT COUNTS

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    DAILY DOSE BY BIKRAM VOHRA You must have heard of the RAF syndrome: it is known as Rent a Face. What happens here is that the owner of a company discovers this super-boss fellow who looks and plays the part and he is appointed at a salary that is more than the combined salaries of…

  • THE TROUBLE WITH TELESPEAK

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    DAILY DOSE BY Bikram Vohra They came from London to this terrific job in the Gulf and the first day he went to work and his wife called his office and was told by the operator that he wasn’t in his cabin. “Not in his cabin,” she said, ” Not in his cabin, but that’s…

  • MY DIWALI DELIGHT

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    Happy Diwali to all readers of Asian Lite ….BIKRAM VOHRA I have received 23 I-cards or E-cards on the net with diyas in them and you’ll be surprised how quickly the novelty of exulting over the same flickering electronic flame wears off. After you have ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ over the first two or three and…

  • ALL I WANT TO DO TO IS RELAX!

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    DAILY DOSE By Bikram Vohra However, in recent years, I noticed a marked craving for relaxation. It’s almost a fetish. Visualise the hurried executive at work. He looks at his watch, “I’m off”, he says, leaping up. “I have 90 minutes relaxation period now”. “Come on”, he exhorts body, “ree-lax, hurry up”. “I’ve got to…

  • THE LAMENT OF THE LONELY BACHELOR

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra Have you noticed how newlyweds suddenly having discovered true marital bliss (where was she hiding all this time) now believe it is their mission in life to get all their bachelor friends stampede down the same bridal path? the won’t leave them alone. It becomes a mission like you have…

  • SPIK INGLIS OLL RONG!

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    DAILY DOSE BY Bikram Vohra Many of us speak English with a forked tongue. Say that in a nice way. Like we mess about with the language, mangling it like laundry without realising we are doing that. Yesterday I heard a high profile executive say he has to ‘cope up’ with the situation, whatever the…

  • LOYALTY AND THE RAW CARROT

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    DAILY DOSE BY Bikram Vohra                                  LOYALTY AND THE RAW CARROT So common these laments. I treated him like a son and taught him everything and he just walked out on me for a fistful of dollars. He was raw as…

  • HOW RICH IS THE WRECKAGE?

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra The two elements needed to indict any motorist in India is to have him own a foreign made luxury car and live in a posh area. If he then finds himself in an accident he is nailed to the cross with glee and malice flowing like lava from the those…

  • THE COLOUR OF PREJUDICE

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra Foreign based Indians coming home, generously bruised after their varied bouts with racism around the world discover a certain domestic reflection of the prejudice, cheerfully forgetting they might well have been willing contributors to its flourishing before they left Indian shores. This fact was brought home to me rather powerfully…

  • UPSTAGED BY SONS IN LAWS

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra My son in law has just bought an iPhone Plus, something that does everything his old phone used to do but only better. It is a sleek piece of silver steel or titanium, (not that I would know), and after I hide my 99 dirham Nokia so the difference is…

  • PLEASE BE QUIET MR YESUDAS

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra What is wrong with smart, clever people they can say such stupid things? Where was the need of an accomplished, wel l-respected celebrity like Yesudas to sound off about women wearing jeans. And then indicting himself for his hypocrisy when pictures off his daughters in law in exactly that apparel.…

  • ASIAN GAMES: THE BIG FAT CHEATS

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra Cheating is just that. Cheating. Sarita Devi was not a sore loser when she refused her medal. She was a sore winner and rightfully so. Even her opponent agreed she had been thrashed by Sarita. That no Indian official came to make the protest is also par for the course.…

  • WHAT SORT OF A STAFFER ARE YOU?

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra The next time you hear someone say, “but that’s the way we’ve always done it” suggest you take him for a long one way walk. It must rank as the most annoying cop out available for avoiding doing something. The award winning Urdu writer Quratulain Haider once said that anyone…

  • MODI ON THE MIKE

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra The UN General Assembly is one of the worst places to give a speech. The atmosphere is dull and dreary, the podium is small and apologetic, there is scarcely anyone in the vast cavern and no one is really listening. You ignite little passion and are often one of a…

  • THE MADNESS OF MOTIVATION

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    Daily Dose by Bikram Vohra You have to be a professional moron to fall for such drivel. I have this friend who is into psycho-executive analysis which sounds very heavy but what it means is that people are not happy in their work and he makes them feel better about the situation. For this he…

  • HARD WORKERS HAVE HARD HEARTS!

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    DAILY DOSE BY Bikram Vohra All you lazy sods in office. Now you have a real excuse to slouch off and not pull your weight. By working less you might live more. I can imagine so many people saying, woo, this is good stuff, this is the sort of research we want, now we have…